All week my 3 yr old (just 3 in June) has been asking to go to church and play with the kids. I was shocked. He doesn't normally ask for that.
Sunday came and I told him he was going to church to play with the kids (all excited high voice inserted here).
He screamed "No church! No kids! No no no!" I knew it would happen. He hates nursery. He cried the entire ride to church, BEGGING us to "Go home! Daddy, turn car around, go home!"
Rewind to when he was 18 months. They asked me and my husband to be nursery leaders. Big mistake. They thought it would be easier for our little guy if we were there. It was, but then my husband was released, and then I got pregnant and was released, and he wouldn't go without us. He bawls his head off if we aren't there. He bawls all the way from the chapel to the nursery room. He's the oldest one in there, and the biggest baby when it comes to leaving mommy and daddy.
We stopped going when the new brother was born. His first Sunday back after that was horrific. We got him all excited to go to play with the kids, and when we got to the door we could hear 2 identical twin girls screaming their heads off, both trying to get the door opened. My little guy started shaking and DID NOT want to go in there.
We tried again the week after that. A little girl in there is socially not all there. She's mean. She hits. She kicks. I stayed in there with J a few minutes and he was playing quietly by himself, SHE came up to him, wanted his toy, grabbed his hair, pulled him to the ground, punched him and kicked him. I couldn't have been over there fast enough to rescue my already-scared-to-be-there-boy. (My child is not the only victim of hers either...)
*SIGH*
What do I do to get him to go and stay and not cry? We've tried bribing. He begins to cry during the last song of Sacrament meeting, KNOWING where we are taking him next. He will be going into Sunbeams in January...I have 4 months to cut the apron strings. This is also the reason we don't go out (me and my husband). The only person he liked to have babysit him, moved out of our ward. He has panick attacks, freaks out screaming if we leave him. We also don't do play-dates.
Help!
6 comments:
That is such a hard thing (for kiddos AND parents) especially when there are real (and physical) reasons why he doesn't want to go. In a way, I don't blame him one bit!
For one thing (this is coming from a kind of, sort of, ok really protective mommy) I would either talk to the nursery leaders and/or the bishop or counselor in charge of that and would let them know that it's not fair to the other kids that SHE be doing that to them and making an already difficult situation worse. Maybe suggest the other parent come sit in there to help supervise?
As far as what you can do for your poor little guy, I'd continue to encourage and reward him with something he really likes for each time he goes.
I'm probably not much help, but that's what I'd do in your shoes.
I really, really, really wish I had an answer for you. I hope someone else does! I wonder why he doesn't want to go, besides the bully girl. Do you think there is some other reason? Maybe if he could tell you why (he is scared of the nursery leaders, he has separation anxiety, etc) then you could address it. Same with babysitters. Maybe if you had a friend come over often while you were there, he'd be comfortable enough with them if you left. OR you could just wait until he's in bed, have a babysitter come over late and catch a midnight showing...as if you don't have enough problems losing sleep :)
I agree with Nicole's suggestion that perhaps they need someone assigned specifically to Bully Girl, whether it be her parents or someone else.
I'm sorry he has such a a hard time with Nursery. I wish I had a suggestion for you, but my kid runs excited to Nursery as soon as the closing prayer is said....
As for the little bully girl, I think it would be completely appropriate to have a person specifically called to work with her and be her aide, in a sense. We have had children in our ward with special needs, and that's how our bishop handled it. It eases everyone's minds; the Nursery leaders are there for all the kids, not just the squeakiest wheel.
This is a random idea and may not work at all, but have you tried taking him to Sunday School with you and just make him sit there? He may realize, "OK this is boring... maybe I'd rather be with all the other kids and the toys and snacks." It probably won't work, but may be worth the try.
And I know how you feel when it comes to your child being bullied... my son has been bit 5 times by one of my friend's son...
To answer some questions:
1. They did talk to the mom already, she really couldn't care less.
2. They want the mom to remain active, so she's a teacher?
3. The 1 nursery leader spends all his time monitoring this little girl, it isn't fair.
4. We've tried bribing. He's over that.
5. We've tried playdates, they don't go over so well with him wrapped around my leg.
6. We have had him just sit with us, he thinks it's awesome.
Oh Nursery! Can't we just skip over you?
I think you have the right of it when you say the issue with the little girl needs to be addressed. Just be aware that there may be extenuating circumstances to her behavior. Not that it makes it okay to bully.
We had to go into the nursery with almost all of our children. The biggest problem with that might be how you handle it. I used to go in with a book or church magazine. I would sit in the corner and read or prepare my lesson or whatever. I just wanted the kids to know I was there where they could see me but was not there to take care of them. When something happened or they needed something and came over to me, I would gently take them to the leader and turn them and their needs over. When they came over just to get loves (I know this sounds harsh) I would pat them on the head or give a quick "impersonal" hug and send them back to playing with the other kids. Basically, after a while they knew I was there but did not interfere with what was going on. Just the fact that you are there should give comfort. However, if you continue to "not get involved" they learn to understand to go to the leader and rely on him/her.
The hard part is not getting up and taking care of an issue when you see an injustice or if you see the leader is not paying enough attention to your child or any number of things. Try not to watch. That is what the books, magazines, etc is. Make sure you are off in a corner that is not the central area. Don't react when your child cries. Hard but worth it.
Another idea that might not be as appealing but might work. If after a while that still does not work, consider finding an empty room. If he does not want to play in the nursery, take him to the empty room to sit or do nothing. Don't baby him. If he becomes upset because there is nothing there for him take him back to the nursery for play. When he starts crying of fussing, take him back to the empty boring room. After a while he should get the idea that the nursery is a better bet.
Unfortunately, our need to comfort our children whenever they are upset sometimes has the opposite effect of what we want for them.
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