I’ve been watching the Ellen Degeneres show today. Her guest was Brooke Shields and they were discussing being conscious of the labels that are given to children, in Brooke’s case, her looks. Ellen then made the comment that she has an 18 month old niece that people/her family tell all the time, “You’re beautiful.” Ellen thinks it’s not healthy to be telling a child that all the time. They then discussed putting value on what they, the children, are labeled. I think this would be a great topic for open discussion or comment.
I had a cousin whose mother consistently called her stupid. She wasn’t, of course, but she grew up thinking that she wasn’t overly bright and in her teens and twenties, I don’t believe she ever saw herself as being of much value. This all took place many years ago in a land faraway (Zimbabwe) and I’m not in contact with this special cousin, whom I thought was awesome and sweet, but I’d like to think that motherhood helped her find her place with loved ones that didn’t use labels to define themselves.
On the other hand, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with telling your children how special and wonderful they are. I think all of my children, and now my grandchildren, are exceptionally bright, talented and contributing human beings with kind hearts, strong testimonies and make the world a much better place.
Jeanette
New Jersey
6 comments:
I'm a lurker on this blog (my sister spotlighted one of my blog posts a while ago), but I would like to step in and comment on this. I think we need to be conscious of the labels we give them, meaning we need to make sure that we're not labeling them anything negative. Like your mom said in her email about her cousin, it did damage, and some of that damage is permenantly engrained in our minds. I think keeping a positive attitude with your kids and giving them positive labels is a good thing because it helps them realize that they have control over who they are and can be more confident in who they become! I'm all for positive labeling (aka, positive reinforcement).
Sandi, you are welcome to comment any time. You have great insights!
This is a hard one for me. I think I remember a conference talk by President Packer discussing a topic like this, but it was in regards to comparing children. I haven't done the research to find it, but I think he basically warned us against labelling children exclusively. As in to say Sally is beautiful and Amy is smart. It could be construed as Sally is not smart, as Amy is not pretty. But do you tell a child they are smart, pretty, funny, clever, caring, good at sports, etc...? Why not? As long as we are not comparing children to other children (as President Packer warned us), then I think telling a child positive observations about themselves is a good self-fulfilling prophesy.
In the case of Brooke Shields' niece and everyone telling her she is beautiful, well, you aren't going to be able to control what people say to your kids. But you can do damage control. Sure, Niece might be beautiful, but if her parents raise her to believe she is also smart and funny and caring and a good person, then the way she looks probably won't really matter as much.
I'm with Sandi. Only positive. A child needs constructive criticism and correction, but they don't need name calling and belittling. They need to be reared in a healthy positive environment.
We're tough enough on ourselves as it is. Kids don't need to be raised thinking the people who should love them most in the world think they're stupid.
I see NOTHING wrong with telling a child "You are awesome! Good job! Look how good you did! You did great!"...ect ect. I daily, hourly, minutely say that to my 3 yr old. It makes him feel special and he gets excited and gives me a thumbs up and then compliments me back (Yer pitty awesome mom! - not that I'm fishing for compliments), but it teaches my son to be complimentary. He will now compliment his dad, when dad is on the PS3 or the Wii and they are playing sports, he'll say "Good job dad! You are awesome!"
I love being able to compliment.
I think so too. and there is a difference between telling a child they are smart and labeling them....
ex:
Johnny you are so smart. great job
vs
This is my son Johnny, the smart one.
I think positive communication is always helpful with your children and even though we love our kids and think they are beautiful, smart and wonderful in all ways. I would say we would need to remember to let them know that but also allow them to become who they want to be....if that makes sense.
Sandi, you just labeled yourself, you Lurker, you! Kidding aside, you all made wonderful comments. Positive reinforcement is our responsibility as parents, I think. We have to teach our little ones to believe in themselves and value themselves as children of a loving Heavenly Father and loving parental units.
We have tried to be conscious of this even with labels like "shy" with our second. While not necessarily bad, being labeled as "shy" could make a child hesitant to reach out to those around them because they've always been told they're shy, even though most children go through a naturally shy phase at some point in their childhood.
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