Having watched a few friends and some family (yes, even me) go through some very difficult times in their marriage that could have or did result in divorce or separation, I find myself wondering at the best ways you all know of to shelter your children from potential emotional damage that arise from such situations.
Do you "ignore" the situation and act as normal as possible? Kids usually see through a lot of "acts" that parents put on, so I don't think that would work very well. But kids are so vulnerable while very young (like 3 years old).
So, dear, wise sister-mothers, how do you shelter your kids from potential emotional damage?
5 comments:
Ooh. This is a delicate topic for sure.
In my opinion, kids need to see that parents can disagree, but still treat each other respectfully. And even when people fight, they still love each other. This is how we've tried to handle our arguments that arise in front of Seth. We don't yell and we keep our vocabulary appropriate. That is hopefully teaching him the proper way to disagree, if that makes sense. And it's important to us that Seth sees us hug or hold hands after we've had a fight. That reminder that we don't always have to get along to care about each other is really important.
However, like you said, some arguments are more than a one-time thing. Sometimes it's more serious and results in the end of a relationship. For really serious things like that, I think it's fair to say keep it away from the kids as much as possible. I think it would be too difficult for them to be privy to the fights and discussions that result in divorce. And what about the serious fights that don't end in divorce? It would be very confusing for young ones to understand.
So I think no matter how two people feel about each other, they need to exercise restraint in front of their children and keep it appropriate - which doesn't mean to always act happy.
And no matter what, BOTH people need to make sure that they assure the children that they are always loved.
But like I said, that's just my opinion.
I went through a divorce when my daughter was three. It was one of the hardest things I will ever have to go through, but we came out ok.
in our family we have always talked to our children like adults...meaning we never did the goochie goochie goo talk with them and if/when they asked questions we would aswer them correctly but in an age appropriate way, rarely making something up to surar coat it.
I sat my daughter down and told her mommy and daddy where no longer going to be married. That we tried very hard and it just wastn' gonig to work. That we both still loved her deeply and that she did absolutely nothing wrong. It was difficult for her I won't lie, but I made sure to ask her if she had any questions and to have her tell me how she was feeling at various stages of the break up.
With my current husband, when we disagree when the children are around. We will usually tell eachother we don't agree with that or say something like I understand you are angry/upset about this, this is where I'm coming from but if we need to talk this over more we can do it later....before it gets into a full on battle. (gives us time to chill out too). But its obvious we are in a disagreement. the kids see that and they see that we can still talk and work with eachother and still love eachother even though we are fighting.
its hard, but you are right, kids can see right through the 'act'! I think it is healthy for kids to see parents disagree everyonce in a while so they know that life does come with bumps but they can be worked through but I think Deborah is right...some converstations/fights (especailly towards the end) are never ok for children to see especially since sometimes very hurtfull things can be said about/to the other person.
I hope that all made sense and wasnt' just a bunch of babble!
Thank you both, Deborah and Maura! I think I knew all the counsel you gave before I asked. I think I just needed to be reminded of it.
J and I aren't getting a divorce, but we've had a very, very big argument/situation come up that we're dealing with.
Thanks again. :) I appreciate it.
Let us know if you ever need to talk or vent or think we can help.
snyders0904@gmail.com is my email. :)
I hope everything works our for you guys!!!
I've been thinking about you both and I hope that you are able to come out stronger than ever. We're rootin' for you!
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