No matter how badly I wish I was "Good cop", I'm just not. I spend all of my time with 2 little boys, J is 3 and B is 7 months.
Recently I have been given the actual title of "Bad Cop" with my disciplines on the boys.
For example...during conference little J wanted to play his Mickey Mouse on the computer. I told him that "No, we are watching conference, this is church today." He ran to Mr. A for help and this is what I heard "Sorry dude, mom said no, she wants to watch conference". Bad Cop title inserted here.
Example number 2: Mom is watching "The Biggest Loser" (a fave for me), and little J wants to play his wii game. I explain that he already had his game time earlier and that it's mommy's turn to watch something. He again runs to daddy for help, to which I hear "Sorry man, mom said no. She wants to watch her own show." Insert Bad Cop title here.
Example number 3: I have tried implementing the Scripture stories at bedtime, because little J doesn't do so well sitting and listening to us read (us, what was I thinking? It's just me.) I try to wrangle little J and Mr A to come and listen and I get another plee for help towards dad. I then again hear "Sorry, mom says we have to listen." Insert Bad Cop title here.
Why is it that Mr A seems to 'blame' mom for things instead of saying "WE read at night as a family." or "Mom worked hard taking care of you all day, it's her turn with the TV, we need to share." or "WE watch conference as a family, to listen to the prophet."
Is there some way to get a unified front? I mentioned this last night, after days of frustration of being 'blamed' for everything. I think sometimes it's easier for the Good Cop to 'blame', even if they don't realize they are blaming, because they are gone all day, don't have to deal with the discipline during the day, the cleaning, the frustration of toys everywhere, the feeding, the napping, the wiping of snotty noses...and when Good cop gets home, all they want to do is play and relax...
Let's just say this post is a vent, but still, does this happen to anyone else? or is Mr A the only one that seems to take upon himself the role of Good Cop Blame Game?
5 comments:
We learned a loooong time ago how to stop that. We have a rule in our family that you only get to ask one parent. The kids know that once they petition one parent for something, that is the final answer. You ABSOLUTELY cannot ask the other parent the same thing...unless you want to get time out or whatever discipline is agreed upon when establishing the rules.
When the kids were learning this and we heard the the child run to the other parent, that was the only time it was okay to intervene and say "I already said...." and then the other parent would respond by saying "If your mother/father already answered you then you do not come and ask me. Now you have time out (or whatever other discipline). The kids catch on really quick.
An added bonus to that is as the kids get older they learn to work together to strategize. Often we heard conversations going on as to which parent to ask and why they should choose this parent over that parent because of mood or whatever. The rule extends to the kids as a group too meaning if the kids want to watch a show or go to the park or something, they know they have one shot, not each child asking individually. It also helps from letting the kids pit parents against each other later as they get older. Too many disagreements come about because kids shop the parents answers and then the parents get frustrated with each other because they feel their authority was undermined. Saves a lot of grief. Plus it take away "Good cop vs. Bad cop" and shows the kids you have a "Police Force" in place. :)
Hope that makes sense.
We started doing that in our house and its starting to work out.
I also talked to my husband if we don't agree with something the other person has said or done we don't confront each other in front of or through the children. It is totally ok to disagree with me but don't let the children see that. And then when we talk about it later I can explain my side of the deal and why I feel that way and hear what he has to say. It seems to work out well.
hope that helps.
I hate being the "Bad Cop". Good luck!
Marina the Mom,
I'm one of the kids you heard strategizing about which parent to ask...I did NOT know you heard us!! Apparently children really are blind to how smart their parents are.
I have not had this problem yet, most likely since my son is not yet old enough to walk, let alone play parents against each other.
I love your rule Marina the Mom! :) We are totally implementing that in our house!
Post a Comment